HOW TO GET AHEAD IN ADVERTISING

so jux is about to do a major website relaunch.  long story short part of the new site is that we are for the first time offering add space.  we get a shit ton of hit monthly and any sane company at this point realizes that that can translate in to dough, a substance that comes in very very handy when trying to pay for the overhead of a company.  so my boy drake who works for us asked me if i could come up with a little pitch to advertisers.  you know.. give it that little "el-p flair".  heres what i came up with:

dear friends,

if you have gotten this form it means that you are one of a select group of companies that we feel comfortable pimping our extremely valuable brand name out to without feeling like complete whores!!!  for the first time in our esteemed history definitivejux.net is "selling out".  thats right!!!  our carefully gaurded cultural significance is finally on sale for others to manipulate and profit off of!  looking to get directly in the line of sight of the "in crowd" where "hep" and "cool" "tech savvy" "kids" who "influence opinions" and actually go to "look" at things and "buy" stuff?  a lot?  now you can!  for money!

dont miss out on this amazing opportunity to be the first company on your block to help poison one of todays most respected and noble independent music companies!  the company created by the guy who literally coined the phrase "independent as fuck!"!  to think:  you can be there for the begining of the demise of all our independent values and staunch beliefs!  this is no ordinary website!  it is a music brand website that actually "means something" to a lot of people!  we are on the verge of a huge relaunch that is sure to generate even more than the already insane (insert number of views per whateverthefuck here) per month!  hold our hand as we walk off the plank of credibility in to the seas of resignation and PROFIT!  we cant wait to do business with you... and if not, we cant wait to see you all in HELL!

best,

el-p

co-founder

definitive jux

so far no one at jux seems too amped about what i wrote, but i think it will work.

kanye west eat your heart out.

I CANT KEEP THIS SHIT A SECRET ANYMORE.  

above is a scale rendering of what my new stage show looks like.  lions directly from narnia, tamed by sigfried and roy... unicorn cloned from the fossil of a dragons belly unearthed in mesopotamia 300 years ago... retracting laser stage designed by the MCP (master control program from TRON), actual nuclear explosions projected in hologram form from a short film taken in the future... wardrobe and mic-wand designed by the creators of harry potter... 

now it is possible some of these elements might not make it to every venue.  we've been having a hard time finding unicorn food and the lion has been pretty much beaten in to a lifeless malaise by its wranglers (straight from barnum and baileys circus!), but still.  shit is gonna be hot.  im still waiting on like 5k from redbull though so there might be a redbull banner on stage too.  i dont think it will take away from the vibe though.

anyway welcome to my new blog.  not sure how much i care about it, but im pretty sure its not going to mean much.