Wednesday, April 30, 2008

HOW TO GET AHEAD IN ADVERTISING


so jux is about to do a major website relaunch.  long story short part of the new site is that we are for the first time offering add space.  we get a shit ton of hit monthly and any sane company at this point realizes that that can translate in to dough, a substance that comes in very very handy when trying to pay for the overhead of a company.  so my boy drake who works for us asked me if i could come up with a little pitch to advertisers.  you know.. give it that little "el-p flair".  heres what i came up with:

dear friends,
if you have gotten this form it means that you are one of a select group of companies that we feel comfortable pimping our extremely valuable brand name out to without feeling like complete whores!!!  for the first time in our esteemed history definitivejux.net is "selling out".  thats right!!!  our carefully gaurded cultural significance is finally on sale for others to manipulate and profit off of!  looking to get directly in the line of sight of the "in crowd" where "hep" and "cool" "tech savvy" "kids" who "influence opinions" and actually go to "look" at things and "buy" stuff?  a lot?  now you can!  for money!

dont miss out on this amazing opportunity to be the first company on your block to help poison one of todays most respected and noble independent music companies!  the company created by the guy who literally coined the phrase "independent as fuck!"!  to think:  you can be there for the begining of the demise of all our independent values and staunch beliefs!  this is no ordinary website!  it is a music brand website that actually "means something" to a lot of people!  we are on the verge of a huge relaunch that is sure to generate even more than the already insane (insert number of views per whateverthefuck here) per month!  hold our hand as we walk off the plank of credibility in to the seas of resignation and PROFIT!  we cant wait to do business with you... and if not, we cant wait to see you all in HELL!

best,
el-p
co-founder
definitive jux


so far no one at jux seems too amped about what i wrote, but i think it will work.



4 comments:

HIP HOPS UNDERWORLD said...

what up el? i'll be seeing you in minneapolis in like 2 weeks. good luck with "selling out". you deserve every dime. peace.

adam said...

You deserve to a multi-millionaire; I don't care how you do it, you deserve it. Best of luck.

keith said...

That's weak man.

Irreverence can't cover up the fact that you just put the shiny almighty above your convictions.

ps if you were just joking, touche sir touche

thajuicebawx said...

El-p already sold out. i mean, god. he's so mean. and his music is for cokeheads and butt rapists.

ps. you are joking because you're entire character is a joke so nobody can attack you seriously. eat infected cunt and choke on the herps in your throat